


Sunken

by thewifiisout



Category: Bandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-20 00:47:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewifiisout/pseuds/thewifiisout
Summary: "I can't" I whisper out into the darkness of my bedroom. My head spins around the room with music blasting in the background. "I-I just can't keep it together anymore." My blood rushes as my door opens.





	1. 1: I've seen shame, but I don't want pity

 

Ryan's POV:

"I'm in too deep," I mutter to myself running my hands through my hair. "I can't," I whisper out into the abyss I call my bedroom. My head... it's spinning. It never stops spinning. Spinning with new thoughts, both good and bad. Music blasting. I take in this Tuesday night for what it's worth. As if the moment couldn't get any more melodramatic, Kurt Cobain starts screaming in my ears. I shake my head as I push the earbud further in my ear.

"I-I can't keep it together," I say frowning. It's the truth. I see light, it makes me jump. I see my older brother. We've never gotten along.

"Ryan?" He asked looking at me. I can barely focus on his face. "Ryan, are you okay?" He asked with absolute concern. I shook my head. I stand up feeling a little dizzy. I hide my cherry flavored liquor under my pillow.

"Hey M-Mason, what do you want?" I slur out, he smiles.

"Are you drunk, Ry?" Mason laughs at me. Mason is the typical jock, he plays football, dating a cheerleader, but he'll always love his family. He'll always love me, I just know it.

"Maybe," I sigh plopping down on my beanbag chair, which I think I've had since forever. Closing my eyes, a weight lifts off my shoulders. My soul leaving my body. Mason shakes me. I play dead, I don't feel like dealing with him anymore.

"R-Ry mom's not here, I don't know what to do..." he pleaded.  

I feel sick. Something starts to come up, not now I think. Please god, I do-

Blood. All I could see was blood. Thick or light, I don't know, it's just there. The red liquid falls from my mouth like a waterfall, dripping onto the white carpet. Mason screams. It's a cry for help, I don't get it though. He hasn't thrown up blood. He hasn't drunk cheap liquor. He doesn't know what I've done, thank God.

My eyes close shut as my knees sink to the floor. I smile because I know it's all going to be over soon.

I can't feel, I won't feel.

-

I wake up in a white bed, white walls. Everything's white or crème. Fuck, I wanted it to work. The white walls taunt me while my mother comes back into the room. I notice someone's in a bed on the other side of the room. He had long brown hair, pale skin and skinny as can be. He's sleeping.

"Ryan," Danielle, my mother, says in a hushed breath. I smile to her, "I'll get your brother and the doctors," she said. Soon I was joined by everyone's presence.

My father had tried to look supportive. I get why, if he didn't I'd even call him a monster.

"So, Ryan," the doctor spoke out. He was tall, his eyebrows arched like bridges. His skin, Olive. His name tag read Gabe, that's not his last name, obviously.

"Can you tell me what happened the other day? You were passed out when we pumped your stomach, kid." He said. I'm pretty sure everyone is passed out when they get their stomach pumped, but I won't correct him. It's probably just a rough morning for him. I see the coffee stains on his shirt, same Gabe. 

I recall the whole day though. Guzzling holy water hotter than hell with Z. She was pissed at her dad and I had time to spare. We loved each other. We're friends, best friends, I couldn't be happier. She ditched me that day. Leaving me in the bad part of town while her sister picked her up. I had to walk home. Drunk and a little high walking all the way home.

I snap back to reality. They're all looking at me for an answer. "Ryan?" Mason asks. I hold my head up high as my mouth moves.

"I tried to kill myself." The words come out; the words everyone was thinking. They just didn't want to hear it. "Ryan, we'll always love you," Mom says to me, taking my hand squeezing it. She smiles at me just for my sake.

Everyone else smiles behind her, except Gabe. He's reading paper my chart. My mother smiles again at me. Telling me she'll never be the same again. How I've open up her eyes.

I've seen shit, I don't need their pity.

 


	2. 2: You have wings, learn to fly

_Ryan:_

_Leaving_ ; it's what people do. My parents left a few minutes ago. I'm reading one of the books Z got me. She got all my things in a box and left it by my bedside. She also left, but she had school, so I understand why.

Gabe came in to check on the kid against the wall. He'd been awake for 2 hours. Call me a stalker, but he was asleep for at least 12 hours.

"William, we need to take off the bandages," Gabe said. I couldn't help to look. William held up his wrist, it's all bone and bandage. William looked over at me, I smiled, he smiled back.

Gabe unwrapped the bandages giving William a warm smile. I rolled my eyes a little and got back to my book. After Gabe had left, William came over to my bed.

"Hey!" He says to me. He's really skinny and tall which doesn't work, usually.

"Hi... I'm Ryan." If I'm going to be sharing a room the least I could do is be nice. William gave me a look like he's trying to figure me out.

"I'm William, what are you in for?" He asked me. I'm taken back by his question. He's straight to the point.

"I-I," I start, not knowing where to even begin.

William shook his head. "I'll go first, alright?" He said. He nods at me. I throw my book in the basket.

"I have an eating disorder," William said looking at the blankets on my bed. "When I first got here, they fed me in a tube, it was so embarrassing..." William said, looking up at me. He looks happy. Weird. "I didn't treat my wrists with respect either," William said holding up his wrists.

"I tried to kill myself," I tell him, he nods at me. His mouth opens but he doesn't say anything. "I just didn't want to feel anymore," I mumble. He grins again like he knows. We sit like that for a few minutes on my bed in silence with just the company of each other.

"Do you want to go get lunch?" I ask. He gives me a look and then I remember who I'm talking to. "William I-I didn't me-"

"No, I could eat. Come on, I'll show you, my friends." He says to me, adrenaline starting to pump through my system from anxiety. I just nod and follow him.

-

We sit down at a table in the center. William has his phone out telling everyone to come meet me. Something about William makes me smile, I don't know what it is.

"What do you want?" He asks me, looking in the glass window where the food is. "Wanna split that?" I ask pointing at the turkey pesto sandwich.

"Yeah, I'll get us waters." He goes trailing off while I'm at the front of the line.

"Hello, what can I get you?" The person asks. Their name tag reads Andy.

"Could I have a turkey pesto sandwich?" They hand me the bag. I smile at them and then walk back to the table.

The table has a few people filled up in the seats. My eyes trail over to William, he gasps.

"Guys, this is Ryan. He came in a few days ago." William said. They all smiled and said hi.

"B!" William shouted. One of the guys heads shot up. He looks William straight in the eye. "Yes, your highness?" B said the guy next to William laughed.

"Travie, sush!" William punched Travis lightly. "Make room for Ryan! He's our guest," William announced. I plop down next to B. He smiles at me. William looks over to me. I give him the other half of the sandwich. Everyone looks surprised which I understand, but God, don't draw attention towards him if he doesn't like it.

"I'm gonna try to find a bathroom," I say. The boy with a fedora covering his head gives me a warm smile as I get up. I start walking through the busy hospital café I hear footsteps coming towards me. 

"Ryan, d-dude," I turn around to see B hunched over catching his breath. His hands on his knees as he tries to calm down. "I'll show you the bathroom, alright?"

I raise my eyebrow at him.

"Dude, it's a big hospital."

I give him another look.

"William would kill me if I lost you." He says seriously. He leads the way to the bathrooms.

"What does B stand for?" I ask him while I'm washing my hands.

"Um, actually, my name's Brendon," he says.

"I'm Ryan, but you already knew that." We laugh at my bad joke because what else could you really do in life.

"So, if you mind me asking... why are you here?" He asks. I audibly sigh letting him know I'm done with everyone. "I'll go first if it makes you feel better, Ryan." He says, "My blood just becomes thin if I get stressed or dehydrated. They're keeping me in here for a few years until they get it under control," he says. I know what that is, I forget what it's called though.

"I tried to kill myself," I say. He's not taken back which is surprising.

"Ryan, Ry-" he stops. "Can I call you Ry?" He asks. I've always had people call me Ry, but nobody's actually asked.

"Yes, Brendon, you can call me Ry."

He smiles at me, "I bet you have a valid reason for doing that Ry, but it's going to be okay." He says it in a calm, supportive tone. I blink at him. I don't know what to say. I hear my phone in my pocket start buzzing. "I gotta take this, I'll meet you at the table?" I ask. He nods and goes outside.

"Hello?"

"Ryan! Where are you, man? I'm in the hospital a-"

"Sorry Z," I start to walk back. "I was eating in the café with some friends," I say. I could just feel the smile on her face now.

"Ry, I'll just meet you here later, alright? I want you to meet people."

 


	3. 3: Jesus, rescue me

  
I hold the deck of cards like they're the wad of cash I'm never going to have. Poker isn't something I'm used to playing. Z came with a pack of cards, we invited William to play and then he invited Travie. I wasn't entirely sure what Travie had but I think-no, I'm pretty sure he has something-no, okay I don't know what he has, he looks pretty healthy for staying in a hospital. It's weird.

Elizabeth Anne Berg, Elizabeth, Z. Her dreamy flow of words tangled together could make anyone melt into their bed sheets as they fall asleep. She's snuggled against my chest. She's my best friend, we play cards together, we read together, we do everything together.

I hear a collective group of footsteps come near the door. I put my cards down. As I see everyone face to face I know we aren't playing anymore. Brendon smiles as the two behind him do too. Soon a girl with bright orange hair walks in. She looks angry as she comes in the room, William, and I's room, and sits in the chair next to the guy with the hat. Z speaks up.

"Not to be rude," she says, her eyes trail over to William. "Could you please introduce me to everyone?" She asks Williams cheeks light up a little.

"So, first that's Brendon he has thrombocytopenia. Patrick, over there, he's got cancer," William says. Patrick chuckles taking off his hat.

"Travie here, he's got-" Travie put his hands up.

"Let's just say my heart needs a little buddy," Travie said still sitting on Williams bed with him. The pair, sitting on opposite sides of the bed. They act like best friends, but I don't know.

"Haley's got the same thing as Ryan," William smiles. I smile at Haley. She gets me, she really gets me.

"Ahem," someone coughs. William rolls his eyes. "That's Pete, he's like, getting his leg cut off in a few days," he stated with a shrug. William is a sassy person sometimes.

"And I'm pretty sure you know Ryan by now," William chuckled.

-  
I've never felt so insecure about myself in my life until this very moment. Z, she's left.

e v e r y o n e l e a v e s

Anyway, Brendon's with me on my bed. It just feels so weird. Patrick had to go with Gabe to talk about some things regarding his treatment. Pete, William, and Travie went to get us pizza. It's just me, Haley, and Brendon. Well, not really, because Haley decided to pass out on the couch. Me and Brendon, almost all alone. He's reading some pretentious magazine article about how Kurt Cobain is trying a new style. I do like Nirvana, they're an okay band.

"You like Kurt?" I ask Brendon he laughs at me sitting up. He closes the magazine.

"He's pretty alright, Ry." Brendon looks at me.

"Do you like the Stones?" He asks raising an eyebrow. Out of pure instinct, I scoff at him, "Who wouldn't like the stones, Bren?!" I practically yell. He laughs at me.

"So I'm Bren now?" he chuckles a little. I laugh under my breath.

"So, you and Z?" He asks I see the confusion in his eyes. I smile, "Just friends, her boyfriend is on the soccer team," I say to him, taking the magazine from his hands. I'm about to say something but I see his mouth move. "I'm tired," he says. I roll my eyes as he lays across my bed. His head right next to mine.

"Tell me, Ry," He says soothingly

"Tell you what?" What could he-what is he talking about?  
.  
"Tell me about your accident Ryan, " he takes my hand. Doesn't this kid know about personal space, damn? I freeze though, I'm a deer in headlights when it comes to myself. Talking about my mistakes, having to look other people in the eyes with disappointment.

"Ryan, please?" He begs. My breath becomes slow. My heartbeat becomes faster. I-I can't anymore.   
"I just want to help," he says.

"Nobody's-Brendon, are you sure?" I asked raising an eyebrow. He smiles at me and nods. I sigh and put the blankets over me.

"I never truly felt like I was living," I pause, waiting for a reaction. He doesn't say anything, he looks me in the eyes. He's trying to figure me out, they all try but they never do.

"I've read about the afterlife. I've seen why so many people fantasize about dying."

I shake my head not wanting to think anymore. I hear him whisper something probably comforting.

"I'm waiting for my after party," I say to him, "waiting for my funeral," I whisper out.

He nods like he understands. He might not understand but the thought of anyone trying to understand me makes me feel like a million bucks.

 


	4. 4: You tried to hold me but I'm pulling away

William's POV:  
Skinny. Skinny. Skinny.

The words run through my head as I go in the stores. As if I wanted it to go this far. It's never something I wanted to happen. It just did. It got out of hand too quick for me to stop. I don't think I can stop. People, they've noticed, but the only reaction I get is positive. People think I'm a success story. I remember when I first heard about it. They called it an epidemic. They wanted it to be looked as a problem, but it was quite the opposite in my eyes. It's the one way we can all get what we want.

As the fluorescent lights hit my fragile body, my legs start to melt into the floor, I hang onto my friends. I don't want it to happen here. It can't happen here. I don't want it to happen here. Blood rushes in my ears and I can't hear anything. Electric pulses run through my body and my vision tunnels. My head feels like it's going to explode.

I'm not surprised. I close my eyes and let it all happen, counting back from five.

5; I let my own thoughts carry me.

4; These lights are brighter than the sun.

3; It's going to be okay.

2; My eyes are closing, people are screaming, am I that much of a monster?

1; I'm forever in debt of priceless advice.

-

I'm laying down in a hospital bed. I can hear a doctor talking to my parents. They knew what was happening. I didn't tell them, but they could tell. I've been eating less, wearing baggy clothes and I'm always doing things. Distracting myself. My mother and father have always been nice to me, never once did I think they didn't love me. I just could never love myself .

My mother's embrace chokes me. My dad - he's a mess. I'd understand why. I'm the youngest; I'm the baby. I wouldn't be surprised if my older siblings walked in.


	5. 5; when my heart cries i will close my eyes.

Ryan's POV;

Being angry is not a good thing for me. I want to throw a chair at everyone.My dad, he's talking about something I don't even care anymore. We're in family therapy. More like blame it all on Ryan therapy. My brother didn't come, asshole.

"Ryan?" The therapist asks me. I give her the look. You know, the look when you care more about other people than yourself, the look.

"Ryan, why don't you tell your parents about your journals?" She says I roll my eyes. First, of all, I told you to not talk about my journals, .but okay I guess.

"I have these journals, I write songs in them, or I just talk about my life." My mother looks like she's about to break down. She's read them, hasn't sh? Her lips quiver she has no right to read them. nobody does.

"Mom, please, " I say to her. My dad shakes his head "George stop," he begs" Your mom thinks this is her fault." He says. Why doesn't my heart shatter into pieces after he says that?Why don't I feel anything?

"okay." all that can come out of my mouth. My dad's eyes tell all. He's yelling at me, my mother is crying and the therapist can't comprehend what's happening. My mother hugs me as I get up.Therapy is over.

-

I go back to my room, everyone's there. A bunch of food is surrounding Williams bed, but William isn't there. I feel like I missed something.

"He, guys." They all say hi, Travie comes up to me pushing me outside. His hands are like claws, cut your god damn nails. Damn.

"William relapsed." He whispers to me. My heart, do you hear it splitting too?

"What should I do?" I ask him he sighs, "just be normal, Ross," He says confidently. I'm always myself, but I love Travie.

We all sit on the couch. Brendon, sitting next to me, he's reading a book. It catches my eye by surprise though. It's one of my books, but Brendon doesn't seem like he'd be willing to read a book on his own free time. Brendon is just a little too hot to read books.

He leans into my shoulder. "Comfy," he says, my selfI laugh at him. I see William come in looking scared. I push myself into a hug pushing everyone else out of my way. My anxiety doesn't devour me when I see William, it's different. We've seen each other weak before.

"Will," I say to him while we hug. Tears run down his cheek, fuck.

"I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to" he's panicking, I look to Brendon to assist me.he's calm, good with words. He gets up and pretty much drags William to the couch. Patrick gives him a blanket, while Pete plays 20 questions with the poor boy. Travie started putting away the food surrounding Williams bed.

"Go to sleep Will, nobody blames you," Brendon says lying him down. After William goes to sleep everyone leaves except Brendon. he sits next to me on Williams bed. Putting an arm around my shoulder and points to the floor.

"He puked near there," Brendon says, "They knew he started again because if you keep purging it'll happen by its self," Brendon says. I look at him, as he's looking at the floor.

"Bren, what do you have?" I ask him. We've never gotten deep before. We stare at each other, he looks at his hands.

" I have thrombocytopenia" He exhales. "I pretty much don't have enough blood in me." He puts his head on my shoulder. I pat his hair.

"Ryan, do you wish the alcohol worked?" He asks me. I need to come clean to someone about this.

"You don't get that dramatic from alcohol poisoning.." I say to him. He moves his head in the crook of my neck "there was stuff mixed in, bad stuff." He doesn't care. They never care.

"The past is just a story," Brendon tells me. He rambles on, I see him smiling, giggling.

"Are you happy?" Brendon asks, I looked at him.

"No, why do you ask?" I ask back. 

"Just checking, ry" He gives me a sly smile.


	6. 6:You're outraged, aren't you?

6: You're outraged, aren't you?

 

I always think about my life slowly. It's all a climax, I want it to always be at the climax. I hear a little knock on the door. My eyes snap up at the sound. The silhouette I see in the doorway makes me smile.

"Hey," Brendon says to me walking into the room. It's 5 am in the morning, I'm up reading with the reading light the hospital let me have under special circumstances. Meaning I will throw a fit if I can't do anything, but look at a wall.

"What's up?" I say to him. He rubs his eye, "They put someone in my room, everybody's there right now." He grumbles. I let him talk, he looks dead. "I just needed air, I guess." I never noticed how raspy his voice gets when he's tired. I walk out of my bed smiling at him. "Let's get some food, it looks like you need it" I grab his wrist dragging him along. I hear faint laughter from him, I don't care.

Once we get to the café area the only people there were Doctors and Nurses. We both get waffles. Gabe, Victoria, and Ryland all sat at one table. I didn't want to bother them, they had coffee cups, slightly looking like zombies. We don't bother them.

Jump to me and Brendon sitting side by side on my bed, we're gracing over Williams body, as he sleeps. "Bren," I whisper, he looks at me smiling. He stretches his arm out clinging to the other side of my shoulder. He almost falls asleep, I'm almost asleep.

"I don't blame him," He lets out a sigh, as his fingers are moving on my shoulder. "How could he not fall in love with his illness?" A hopeful look goes across his face. He's warm, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. Footsteps approach the door. I hear Gabe sighing heavily looking at the two of us.

"Brendon! Go to your room!" Gabe says, he's tired too. The purple bags under his eyes could be a shade of eyeshadow.

"You guys put someone in there! Why isn't he in the ICU?!" Brendon exclaimed. I feel his fingers progressively push down on my shoulder.Gabe gives him a glare.

"Fine, but I swear to god, if you wake up William-just don't, okay?"

Gabe leaves us, not saying a word. Brendon asks if he could sleep in my bed. I nod my head. I go to the couch getting comfortable.

"Ry, just sleep with me, 2:57pmalright?" Brendon says taking my wrist practically pulling me on the bed.

The time is 5:56 real breakfast is in an hour.

"Do you think I could-," Brendon says to me in a whisper, I send him a confused look. "The blanket it's not doing anything, could we um" I roll my eyes and melt into the embrace.

-

Therapist of2:57 pm

How could you be lonely, when everybody loves you? Are the thoughts running through my head? The therapist is, I don't know yet she's just there. Mother, Father, and Brother by me. Tim's there this time. When he walked in, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I love my older brother, he's kind of a douche, but he's my brother.

"I don't want to be here anymore," I say. Tim pats my back. My mother looks at me. "Ryan, you used to be so, happy" She says, she leans back on the couch. "Remember when we visited your grandparents in Montreal?" She moves her hands to her cheek to wipe a tear. "They're at the house, Pappy got you a Victoriaville Tigres jersey." Tim says to me. I recall my grandparent's thick French Canadian accent. I hope they don't know what happened to me. My breathing hitches up, everyone can tell.

"Ryan, are you scared they know?" The therapist asks.

"It's just embarrassing." I can all but whisper out. I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

"Then why'd you do it if you didn't want people to know?" My dad asks. I lean back, the couch is practically eating me alive. I hear the timer go off. it's over


	7. 7:Nowhere to run

_Pete's pov:_

The sweat on my forehead brings my hair down looking like I have bangs. My chest feels heavy , as I pick up the soccer ball. "WENTZ!" I hear the coach say, my head snaps up to him. 

"Coming coach!" I yell back. I see the rest of the team already there. I run to were coach is, he looks mad. "Look, guys, the season's almost over, you got on more game and then it's done for the year." He says looking at all of us.  _I wanna say I'm the best on the team, but that's just denial._

-

I'm in my room thinking for the big game on Saturday. My leg is sore, probably from practice. My homework is anxiously waiting for me to come back for it. Grades aren't my thing, but I need at least a C in my classes, which I have, or that's what I keep telling myself. Maybe in a past lif, I knew how to tell an animal by the genes, but **right here right now,** I'd rather die.

"Peter!" My mother shouts, her eyes are fixated on my leg, as she comes in my room. 

"Yes, mom?" I ask, she doesn't speak a word. "You're not playing in that game." She whispers. I shake my head, _living in denial again_. "W-What?" I ask, she comes close to me. 

"Pete, I'm going to take you to the hospital. Your leg looks beat up, did anything happen at practice?"

"M-Mom, I-I nothing happened, okay. I'm going to get bruised. My legs looked a lot worse mom!" 

-

So I'm at the hospital, It's weird. They put me in the ICU. They made me take X-rays and they took my blood. 

"Mrs.Wentz?" The doctor asks, my mom gives him a hopeful look. He shakes my mom's hand saying he's Dr.Gabe. I can see my mother's eyes become glossy as doctor Gabe is saying something to her. 

"I'll tell him don't worry." She says, he leaves. She sighs as she slowly walks towards me. 

"Pete, honey, I'm so sorry" She rubs my forehead sitting on the chair to my bedside. I give her a worried look." They say you have a tumor in your leg, they say it's early though, they might be able to get it out" She whispers softly to me.I won't cry. _I'm living in denial ._ I'm not going to cry. I cry **. I'm living right here, right now.**

 


	8. 8; unfold your own myth

Ryan's Pov:

 I don't care anymore though, Z came in here earlier to drop off my school work. We didn't speak. I didn't have the energy to bat an eyelash at her. She didn't care, I didn't either. totally Ryan. 

Sick and sad patients are all in this hospital, on first name basis with the top physician. My grandparents are coming today. I don't want to talk to my family, just them. They aren't like my family, they actually listen to me, not just nod their heads in my direction, and then yell at me.

I turn my head to William's bed, after the accident they put him the ICU for a few hours. I miss him, I really do miss him.

Right now, I'm working on my school work. I find it weird how they let us watch tv every few hours. I watched The Real World yesterday with Doctor Gabe. Doctor Gabe got a page though, he had to leave half way through.I like MTV, I feel as if I'm at home when I watch it. 

My grandparents walk in, my parents are talking to doctor Gabe.I put my homework done, I sit up in my bed smiling at them.

"Pappy! Nana!" I say excitedly. Pappy hugs me very tightly as my grandmother waits for her turn. I spent all my summers with them until I was eight. My parents decided to stop drinking when I turned eight.

My grandfather hands me the jersey. I give him a smile. My grandma tells me about how business is like in her salon. Pappy tells me all about the little hockey league he coaches for the school. I miss Montreal. I miss being loved.

-

Brendon was the reason Gabe left in the middle of the real world. Brendon's so god damn stupid, I hate him. He's so nice to me and we're friends I just, I can't keep it all together.

I walk up to him. His skin is pale but has faint purple and red marks all over him. "hey," he says to me smiling, like nothing even happened to him. I wave to him, but my back is turned picking up a book that I left here last time.

"Ryan" 

 

"What?"

 

"I'm sorry." He says.He has these eyes that probably have more personality than me.

 

"Why are you apologizing, you've done nothing wrong," I say to him sitting next to the chair beside his bed. Brendon doesn't have a roommate, good to know.

 

"I tried to exercise, it was stupid I knew I was going to pass out. I just don't want it to run my life anymore Ry, I don't want to be called a disease. I want to be called my name." Hey says. I sigh as I look over to him.

 

"Brendon," I say blatantly "Nobody calls you anything but Brendon," I say. He laughs at me with all his soul, 

 

"It's funny you say that, considering the first time you met me you thought my name was Bren." I give him this look that lets him know I'm done with him. Yeah, I understand what just came out of his mouth was a joke, I'm just not feeling it. 

 

"Sorry," he says to me grabbing my hand. I let him hold it, "come on. Doctor Gabe doesn't  care." He motions for me to come on the bed, I do it. I just can't say no to him. I start playing with his hair, it's soft, like him.

"Ry, you know Dr.Gabe was in a band?" He laughs.

 

"You're lying!" I exclaim to him. Doctor Gabe could never. His head turns to me a big smile on his face, "I'm serious!" He says, he looks adorable. I hope he's gay.I _really_ hope he's gay for my sake. 

"He had this bass player, and they had a falling out, don't you think it's cool to be in a band?" He asks me. 

I ignore him, putting my lips on the corners of his mouth _kissing_ him softly, he laughs a little but kisses back with a nod.I can feel him smiling against my lips.I pull away to look at him, he's like a _divine_ wine, something you can't drink all at once.  You have to be slow and gentle. He looks like desire but tastes so much more.. 

 

 


	9. 9: Angels with dirty faces

Patricks pov:

My hair is thinning. I never touch it, clumps come out like a waterfall then. I can barely remember when I didn't spend all my times in here, still, barely. I wish I could talk to people without getting pity. I don't need pity. stop. The nurse asks how I'm doing I say fine, daily routine. 

This new kid came in, covered in purple and red splotches, it's okay. He'll get over it. I don't get to get over it though, it'll never be okay for me. I want to ask doctor Saporta, but refrain myself from it, he said he's leaving soon, I can't depend on people who will just leave. His son is going to fill in his position, nepotism at its finest. I'm sure he has a degree. They wouldn't let him in here without a degree. 

"Patrick!" Dr.Saporta says coming in with a young man that looks like him a little, probably his son. 

"Hi, Dr.Saporta!" I say excitedly. I sit up in my bed, making myself presentable. 

"Patrick, this is my son Gabe, he will be filling in my position in while I'll be in Africa." Dr. Saporta says. Me and Gabe exchange a nod. "I'll let you two get aquatinted," He says calmly walking out the door. 

Gabe sits next to me, I ask him about college, he tells me all about it. Every class he'd take, every essay he's written, details of all the teachers he's hated and still hate. He tells me in his freshman year he would sleep around, the free clinic at college wouldn't cover the things he needed, so he learned himself. He also tells me he's only doing this so his dad will be proud of him. 

I tell him _I can't relate_ _._

He says _T_ _hat's for the best_ _._ He goes on and says, "In some life, I'd want to be a musician, but this is all I have."

I want to tell Gabe my father left, he left six years ago when I was eight. I don't though, but not because I want him to think I have a good home life. It's just for the sake of myself. 

I sigh and look over to the copy of _A Time for Dancing_ they don't show what it's really about. Sure, she has cancer, but the author just doesn't know. Gabe looks at me, dark brown eyes and all. "What do you have?" He asks quietly. Wouldn't he know, wouldn't his dad tell, or even a nurse?

"Didn't they tell you?" I ask half sardonically half seriously. He shakes his head and explains. 

"I want you to tell me, you'll explain better than those doctors." He says, of course, Gabe. I'll explain better than those professionals. 

"I have cancer, they told me they caught it in the middle though. I honestly don't know what that means though." I say almost laughing through my teeth. He nods. 

"Don't you feel better saying you have cancer," He asks. I nod, but only a little. "I'll see you later Patrick." He says, and once again the nurse comes in and asks how I'm doing. "I'm fine, thank you"

 


	10. 10: You might kill me, but you'll never beat me

William's pov:

 

 

 _Skin and Bones_ , the words I'd be described to my friends and family, at gatherings. My Parents thought nothing of it. Nothing of me. "William just has a fast metabolism" The doctors would say, sometimes you get the additional "He works out, no wonder he's skinny." Again, my parents took their friends advice and thought nothing of it. I'm forever in the debt of their useless advice.

My illness, it's a beautiful thing, don't you think? Not eating, caring more about what people think of you than your own health. It's all the rave. Girls and boys from everywhere are puking out their guts out to be just like models, while models are doing the same. I don't know why I do it anymore, I can't even stay in a room without getting cold. If you are not recovering you are _dying_.

Me and Ryan Ross The First are laying down in the same bed, talking about idiotic ideas. Ryan says when he tried to kill himself, George Ryan Ross The Third died. He's talking about hockey, I don't care too much for it, but he's smiling and-I'm trying my best to make him smile. You know, I'm helping him, he helps me.

"William?" His voice comes out of nowhere to me. I look at him with a soft smile, "yeah?" I reply back.

"I kissed Brendon," Ryan says. I look at him, "And?" I ask him. He shakes his head, his hand moves to my hair, "I'm just scared Will, what if he doesn't want what I want." His voice echoes through the room we share, "I don't even know what I want. I'm just a boy." Ryan says.

 

" Ryan, _he_ -"

"Am I interrupting?" I hear Pete's voice in the doorway, Patrick, Haley, and Brendon are all standing next to him. Ryan sits up, I sit up too.

"No!" Ryan says as an instinct. "Me and William, we were just talking, right Will?" Ryan asks me, I nod. They come in making themselves comfortable.  

-

Everyone say down on the couches, Pete is getting his leg chopped off in a few days. Moral support is his best friend right now. Patrick used to say stuff about Pete living in denial, I see it now. It's hitting him, he's not going to have his leg, ever again. 

"You okay?" Travie asks me, his arm is on my shoulder. I nod my head, he kisses my cheek, it's hollow.  I lay down on Travie's chest, I see everyone talking. I see Ryan and Brendon talking in the corner of my eye. Haley is on Brendon's left, she's placed her head on his shoulder, Ryan is on the other side of him, reading Virgin Suicides.

 He's talking to the both of them, I guess, but Ryan is bright red every time Brendon stretches out and put his arm around both of their shoulders. 


	11. 11: my heart was taken by Satan himself

  
I'm acting like I don't care, If I act like it enough I won't, right? Please, let it be right.

I don't care anymore though, everybody leaves. My name even I left. Hell, I'm Ryan Ross the first now. I'm recovering, it's a lie. I sound like Pete, he's always delusional.Anyway, I'm "getting" better.

I'm going to get better, I've always considered my life the bane of my existence, but now, I just don't know anymore. I'm just a kid in my bed, talking about shit I don't know about.

Aren't we all scared, fear comes from things we're scared of? Can you still feel the butterflies? 

It's funny though, I can remember the fear in my eyes right before my brother have me a black eye. He didn't mean to do it, but I remember everything about that day, I just don't want to remember anymore.I don't want to remember anything.

-

In group therapy, Hayley tells me something about how she was doused in perfume at the time of her accident.

She says how she had long blonde hair, and she wore fishnets and a band t-shirt, but also a skirt to make her mother happy. Hayley doesn't care, she says it when Gabe comes in her room, she says it when the nurses give her a tray of food. She just doesn't care. We go to William and I's room after therapy.  

The girl with short orange hair says she hates Courtney Love and Drew Barrymore,

  " _Sure_ ," she goes on "they're there for women, speaking about how we aren't fragile, but only the white women, the middle-class women with ideas and opportunities already given to them,"  Hayley says, she has her hands on my books, looking through them. 

"Is she talking about how Courtney Love bothers her, again?" William asks, Brendon by his side. William sits next to me, laughing at Hayley. 

"Look, Hayley I'm all here for women's rights, but didn't that happen in the 20's," He asks, Hayley, scoffs. 

"William! We may be able to vote, but we're still treated like shit compared to men! Colored women are so smart, so fucking smart and they get treated like C-class citizens!Women deserve the same respect as everyone else! " She says, William rolls his eyes,

"Hayley, you have no room to talk, what respect do you have for yourself," William says, I turn to him, giving him the look to say shut the fuck up.  Her eyeliner smudges as she wipes her eyes with her sleeve. 

"Fuck off William." She says walking out, Me and Brendon didn't need to be there. The show would've still gone on, we were just an audience.  

"Bill! What the hell!" Brendon screams he's quite scary when he screams. William shrugs at him. 

"Man, you should go fucking beg for her forgiveness before I drag your ass there, you of ALL people knows the shit she's been through and to what? use it against her in an argument. Stop being petty and go!" Brendon is harsh with his words.  

-

We sit in silence, ignoring that I tried to kill myself, Ignoring William's anorexia, Ignoring Hayley's depression, Ignoring Brendon's disease that will never go away, Ignoring Pete's denial to life, ignoring Patricks cancer, ignoring how Travie now has heart problems because he was young a stupid, we ignore so we don't have to accept the fact that we've become numb to our illnesses. 

Brendon and me, we're on the couch reading a magazine, in his room. There's a guy, his name is Adam, Adam T Siska. Adam says that he's just here for the night. Travie comes running into Brendon's room. 

 

"Guys! Pete's going into surgery, we gotta say good luck!" He says. We walk there, we don't want Brendon fainting. He leans into my shoulder, he's tired. It's 6 pm, Pete hasn't had food or water the whole day.

 

"Ryan! Ryan! I'm so scared man!" Pete says almost jumping out of his sheets, I laugh a little. 

"Everything is going to be fine!" I say to him smiling. William and Hayley are talking, hopefully making up. 

"Pete good luck, alright," I say to him, leaving a peck on his forehead like I'd do with any other friend.

"Ryan, man, do you think I'm gonna m-

"Pete, that's crazy talk, you're going to be fine, you'll wake up, the tumor isn't going to be there," I say to him, forheadbrushiforehead. He smiles, he looks straight up at the wall. Dr.Suarez comes in, "Everybody out!" He says.

Everyone says their good lucks, and we all walk off. 

 

_Now we wait_

 


	12. 12; I just took too much cough medicine

Patrick's pov:

     My bones are sore and stiff as I get up. Cracking my back while I stand. It's weird now. They poke me with needles and I don't feel it anymore. I've been poked and emptied so many times, that my body is immune. 

     The nurses walk me to my room - I'm in a wheelchair. They insist that I'm too weak to walk. I don't bat an eye, it's been like this for a year, who am I to argue with a professional? My mouth is taped shut when I talk to nurses, it's just how it is. 

     "Mr. Stump, how are you today?" Dr. Gabe asks as I'm being wheeled into my room. I gulp in Gabe's presence. 

     "Good, and you?" I ask him. He shoots me a smile. 

     "I'm good, thank you," he says. The nurses have left now, leaving me and the doctor to talk. 

     "Patrick, when we tested your blood, we found something. It was unusual." He kept his head down, looking at his chart. 

     "What was it?" I ask, my voice impatient. I could really care less if I sounded like a snotty rich kid right now, but I want to know what's going on with my body. 

     "It's something with your organs, you're improving faster than we imagined," Gabe says smiling. 

**-**

     Therapy plays tricks on you. I've never had the same therapist consistently. There's just something about having cancer that makes people leave.  She's very soft spoken, she tells me about her life, thinking that will make me open up. 

     "How's your mom?" She asks me. 

     "She's okay, I mean we talked the other day. It was cool and stuff." 

     "What'd you talk about?" 

_It's none of your fucking business_ , I bite my tongue from letting the words fall out. People have motives - different - but all the same.  

     "Family stuff. My sister is getting an award for softball soon, so she was talking about that." I'm lying. She knows it too, but what does this have to do with my treatment, me getting better? 

     "Patrick," She sighs. I close my eyes putting my fingers on the bridge of my nose, the timer goes off. I stand up, I don't need a nurse. _Fuck nurses_. I can walk. I stumble a little, it's okay though. If I can't walk what can I _do_? 

     "I'll get you a wheelchair," she says and I shake my head at her. I can walk. I'm a grown boy, I can walk. She brings it though, demanding I sit in it. Demanding that I do what's best for me.

     I sit in it, not because of her - no no no - she won't be back. I sit in it for me. Yeah, for me. 

 


	13. 13; through the eyes of a fly on the wall

William's POV:

"Ryan, can you shut the hell up!" I say to him as he and Brendon are talking on the couch, I'm trying to read a book. Ryan gives me a look of disgust.

"Can't you just go somewhere else?" He asks, Brendon rolls his eyes at Ryan. Me too the fuck.

"I'm cold, okay? And I'm getting the tube soon so-"

"No wonder you're getting the tube, you weight 80 pounds." Ryan _scoffs_. My jaw drops, he can't say that he's not allowed too. Brendon looks at Ryan with a face of anger, like he's ready to fight.

"Ryan! What the hell!" He screams whispers. Ryan shrugs,

"What I was just telling the truth?!" He says.

"Yeah well, at least I didn't try to kill myself," I say, fuck Ryan Ross.

"You weight 80 pounds, trust me you're already there!" He screams. Doctor Gabe came in the room closing his eyes.

"GUYS! For the love of all that is holy, don't do this." He says in a sincere voice. I don't care anymore.

"Whatever I'm getting a blanket from the nurse," I say getting up. Doctor Gabe stops me.

"No, here's what's going to happen," he says, " William, lay on your bed we have to put in your feeding tube. Brendon get William another blanket if you aren't busy and go do your homework, I know you have it. Ryan, you sit in your bed."

"Hey Ryan," I say

"What?" He snaps back looking at me in the eyes.

"Don't blame society for why you killed yourself," I say quietly. "That was all your Ross, and besides, 15-year-olds haven't lived that much, at least you'll get out of this place. Brendon probably won't, and Patrick might not, Hayley is leaving soon though." I'm rambling, I don't really care if he cares for it.

"You've been here for what, 6 months, why aren't you getting better?" He asks quietly.

"When I came here I weighed 73 pounds and at a point, I weighted 92, trust me I'm slowly getting better," I say, DR.Gabe laughs, as he puts in my feeding tube. I fucking hate it.

"Will, I know it hurts a little-"

"No, it's o-okay," I'm trying to let it not hurt that much, it's better than being force fed food, it's just there, in my nose.

 


	14. 14: what happened?

     Ryan died after he tried to kill himself, while Brendon died of blood loss at a young age. Doctor Gabe still became a doctor, but he also had a band, making a life of two things he was passionate about. I didn't know if you could tell already, but this was set in the 90's.

William struggled with his anorexia all through out his life. He stayed at the hospital for most of his life, becoming a permanent resident.  Many people looked down upon William, he was a man, who had anorexia, in the 90's, what more can be said really. 

Patrick fought cancer, he'd always say how his mind couldn't do anything, it was his body. He wasn't mad, or angry that he got cancer. He accepted it and lived with it. 

Pete came out of surgery. He learned to live life with a mechanical leg, he was okay with it. Pete stopped playing soccer, he stopped caring. At a very young age, Pete just stopped, becoming apathetic to everything that made him happy. He found his comfort in writing though, so maybe he'll be alright. 

Travie got his heart transfer, and they never heard from him again. He became a poet, speaking about how he could've made better decisions in his life, how he was _pillmatic._

Hayley got better. She became okay, she wasn't like ryan, she wanted to get better, and she got better. She swore to her dad that she was going to make it out alive and not end up as another statistic, she slowed down. 

 

 

 


	15. curtain call. (Author note)

 

       This was a very emotional fic to write. It's weird, I wrote it at a time where I was emotionally stable. When I was writing this, I got asked a lot if I had any illnesses the characters have, no. I simply put myself in their shoes. 

William and Patrick were the hardest to write, I had to put myself in their shoes, research about Cancer and Anorexia to even write a paragraph.  I wanted to do the characters justice, wanting to help anyone who was going through the same thing. I apologize for Ryan's character, he was honestly a **dick** _.  
_

The chapters that mattered the most to me are

_9; angels with dirty faces_

_12: I just took too much cough medicine_

_11; my heart was taken by Satan himself_

_10: You might kill me, but you'll never beat me_

**If you have any questions just ask!!**

_**f i n** _

 


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